An Exit and A (Re)Entry

One way in which I have come to know myself better is in the way others refer to me. All qualities that refer to me have been rather grace filled and compel me to live a better life to examine more closely my actions and intentions and to try and live upto them. Some of the describing words used include  energetic – passionate – compassionate – thoughtful – jolly – happy and such. Around a little over a year ago as I approached turning fifty I found that I was struggling to live up to the beauty of these good qualities.  In mapping out the interior of my life I found that I was becoming  less thoughtful, less passionate and compassionate and more tired, more angry and more driven in a way that I did not want to be. 

At the heart of what I do is this little organisation called Bookworm that has emerged almost out of no where. I drive the work , perhaps sometimes when our tanks are running on low because I have experienced first hand for almost two decades what power stories, kindness and a human hand can have in my own life. But I caught myself on the last year of my forties heavily reflecting on what I was loosing in this pursuit and purpose. 

Being of strong mind and intention I felt that I could and would be able to balance my inner energy with the outward but the work at Bookworm has grown beautifully but also heavily. The range of competencies needed are out of the scope of all my abilities and my propensity to lead with my heart and let my head follow found me continuously irritated, tired, resentful for another life and often times angry. Martha Nussbaum an American philosopher I find I retreat to in moments of doubt writes, “ our emotional life maps our incompleteness. A creature without any needs would never have reasons for fear, or grief, or hope, or anger .” So it seemed , simplistically put that my need to do purposeful work was compelling reactions and frustrations that I was experiencing. I was becoming increasingly unhappy that I was resorting to anger and negative reactions which mar my life pursuit. 

David Whyte another philosopher who writes about anger says, “ANGER is the deepest form of compassion, for another, for the world, for the self, for a life, for the body, for a family and for all our ideals, all vulnerable and all, possibly about to be hurt. 

Stripped of physical imprisonment and violent reaction, anger is the purest form of care, the internal living flame of anger always illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for.”

I found great courage in this writing. I began to devise a plan of how I want to channel this anger and what I was willing to hazard myself for. The answer was Bookworm and all I hold dear there. In being able to hazard that, I hope to find a way to move into a state of balance and acceptance. 

Through out the sector of small founder driven organisations rings a death knell about change in leadership. The cries ring around matters of survival, loss of ethos, change of focus and vision and despite the bells clanging loud and repeatedly, I made a quiet decision for myself. I will step out of the leadership role at Bookworm and step out of the working days for a while. This decision as expected led to many months of thoughtful deliberation for me and at Bookworm. After my family who all accepted this as the most joyous act of surrender, the team at Bookworm received the news with quietude and grace but there was always the lurking doubt about who will come in after me and who will replace me, what may change and such. Our Trustees were rock stars in the way in which they recognised my plea and put into motion the necessary steps to find a suitable leadership at Bookworm. 

On the 4th of January, 2021 Sandeep Parakkal joined us never knowing what he had agreed to, excited and terrified in equal measure but committed because every sense had indicated over the three months of the hiring process that he wanted to be at Bookworm. In a matter of less than a month, Bookworm and every living breathing fibre of its environ wants Sandeep, including me !!! When I listen to the way in which he talks with the team and how he offers support to each and everyone when I observe him interact with someone in the library or elsewhere and when I speak with him about Bookworm or my meandering modes and methods of leadership, planning and execution, he is present and he is open. Every other skill rests in Sandeep’s back pocket, our Trustees chose well!

In library work as in life, everything shines with an attitude of trust, openness and listening and I am more confident than ever that from here onward only stars will light up our paths.

I await my own re-entry into this new galaxy and I invite you to trust that Bookworm is and will be held with the same grace, thoughtfulness, compassion and insight it has nurtured over the past many years but it will be more and so will I. 

When Sandeep accepted the Bookworm offer I sent him this verse from Blackwater 

Woods by Mary Oliver, a verse many of you will recognise and I am sharing because I continue to find strength in the writing of others as I reclaim myself. 

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it

go,

to let it go.

Please stay in touch and let us meet at Bookworm when ever possible. I intend to repose by the shelves and stir up trouble on occasion but I also have every intention of spending more time with you.